Of Mind and Games it Plays

The other day i was feeling so miserable... being all alone here, it felt like just leave everything, and fly back to India. It was friday evening (TGi Friday evening for people and it was like OMGi Friday again for me) and i was in misery; the empty home was awaiting my return and as i trudged back home, opened the door i had just enough energy to throw myself on the bed and for 1 hour it was just lying down coming to terms with my situation.

My Mind was at it again.. thrusting me into the whirlpool of negative thinking( and with it the associated, miserable feeling ). I have always known it, of its ways, except when it is at work. A small event, a smallest of trigger starts it and when the environment is right for it to feed upon, it pushes you into the never ending tunnel of dispare and darkness. The worst part.. its like a chain reaction.. which feeds on itself and the feeling grows exponentially. Lying on the bed.. my breathing became laboured and i was just like trying to stabilise, control myself against loosing my sanity. Imagine "Me struggling against my own f***ing Mind to keep a hold of myself, to keep me from sinking, to regain my senses." Its always been like that; a struggle of me and my mind. And believe me it is the biggest of the battles i have fought all my life and most of them in the loosing cause.

That guy always got me somehow. And because i wanted to change myself, to stop being a looser to that one and a half kg of matter. Actually it should be less than that; a large part my brain is with me. The parts that control my external sense (God bless me if even that is not with me and this is a make belief that i am in Finland) and their co-ordination. Some part of it that is actual me.. i mean the one i feel with, the part of brain that is actually me fighting that alter ego of mine that might just be less then a milligram. (Neurologically it looks like that part would be some kind of follow up process or judgement part of out mind that helps us reflect and retrospect, act like a devils advocate sitting there helping us double check our decisions and check their validity and counter arguments -- MAYBE) somehow this guy got out of control and instead of acting a solemn devils advocate it started acting as the devil itself. Always trying to DO things in someway that is against what my-part-of-mind wants to do.

The guy always got better of me; it used my eyes, my ears, my nose, my logic, my part of brain and then it always came up with something extra which it did not share with me untill it was time for war. It was always a step ahead of me.

Well am i judging the devil correctly or is my-part-of-mind is actual devil having conquered and brainwashed me against the other guy and spreading the above propaganda.

OK here is the dilemma -

Leave India, your family back home and come to Finland for professional satisfaction and get a hold of yourself.

One guy says you did wrong and brought all that misery and the other guy says yes Vikas this is right decision.. common don't be so emotional, you have to be professionally successful for your kids and family...

aaahhaa NOW...

Who the damn is actually devil. And who the damn is writing all this.. :-)

Well the above case does smells a lot of Freud. That guy 100 years ago did came up with these three Ego-Id-Superego concept. Somehow there are always two within you who are always in tussle. And most misery comes out of this.

Successful people have always found ways to choose and support the right guy.

or

Happier people have always found ways to choose and support the right guy.

Both adjectives/conditions above are temporary and again can be one-and-the-same or at-odds for different people.

The fight that issues within, people finding ways to fool the mind. Like

1. Keeping the curtains down and light inside bright to fool yourself and not believe that it is just 1 hour day( see arctic syndrom@ jmatthan.blogspot.com ).


2. Scott Adams fooling his brain ( which was affected by focal dystonia) by using graphics tablets.


3. Mirror Therapy for Hemiparesis.

Imagine you trying to beat your own mind. Then who is you? We'll continue this..