इस बार नहीं

इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब वोह छोटी सी बच्ची मेरे पास अपनी खरोंच ले कर आएगी
मैं उसे फू फू कर नहीं बहलाऊँगा
पनपने दूंगा उसकी टीस को
इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब मैं चेहरों पर दर्द लिखा देखूँगा
नहीं गाऊँगा गीत पीडा भुला देने वाले
दर्द को रिसने दूंगा,उतरने दूंगा अन्दर गहरे
इस बार नहीं
इस बार मैं ना मरहम लगाऊँगा
ना ही उठाऊँगा रुई के फाहे
और ना ही कहूँगा की तुम आंखे बंद करलो,गर्दन उधर कर लो में दवा लगता हूँ
देखने दूंगा सबको हम सबको, खुले नंगे घाव
इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब उलझने देखूँगा,छटपटाहट देखूँगा
नहीं दौडूंगा उलझी डोर लपेटने
उलझने दूंगा जब तक उलझ सके
इस बार नहीं
इस बार कर्म का हवाला दे कर नहीं उठाऊँगा औजार
नहीं करूंगा फिर से एक नयी शुरुआत
नहीं बनूँगा मिसाल एक कर्मयोगी की
नहीं आने दूंगा ज़िन्दगी को आसानी से पटरी पर
उतारने दूंगा उसे कीचड में,टेढे मेढे रास्तों पे
नहीं सूखने दूंगा दीवारों पर लगा खून
हल्का नहीं पड़ने दूंगा उसका रंग
इस बार नहीं बनने दूंगा उसे इतना लाचार-
की पान की पीक और खून का फर्क ही ख़त्म हो जाये
इस बार नहीं
इस बार घावों को देखना है
गौर से
थोड़ा लंबे वक्त तक
कुछ फैसले
और उसके बाद हौसले
कहीं तोः शुरुआत करनी ही होगी
इस बार यही तय किया
है

-- प्रसून जोशी

Been a while

Life takes it toll..or should i say age.. damn it.. still not 34 and am talking of age. The body of late has been contantly reminding me of football matches i have played and every fall thence.. every cricket match and the subsiquent blows. Or I think its just an unhealthy life style of late that i am trying to hide. Plan to hit 65 before next birth.. i was 65 when i was 25 so 35 will tribute to 25 by being 65. I have just crossed 76 .. my highest when the sensex is trying its very best to shed flab. Yes maaan i say it was a lot of flab there.. a lot of hype.. a lot of aggressive banks and conservative businesses when it should have been the other way round. But a coreection every 10 years is something we are used to. But the stress of a 43 year old guy killing himself and his family is something bad. To much of expectations from life as from sensex.. No i don't want to trivialize a death.. but off late we have been going a wrong way in all walks of life. Or is it i have cultivated too much of cynicism...negitivity.. yeah too much of it. But then there is no good news now a days.. even today Dada annouced his retirement.. i didn't knew how to react.. to be happy or be sad.. but i guess forcing people or putting them under so much of pressure so that they retire.. i am against.. one of the great indian captains making an exit. It was due i guess but it should have come from inside him and not forced out of him. But i have an opinion we indians retire too late. The attitude of dying with boots on is not bad.. but trying to keep wearing a boot at 75 is something not very gracefull. A 75 year old chairman of an Indian Engineering Giant still trying to keep his boots on... yeah i know he won TOI business man of the year or something.. but gracefull exits please.. and don't try to blame the situation of having no good leader after you for not retiring.. leader should be cultivated and not killed as compitition becuase you want to stay as chairman at the age of 75. Thats where i have problems with people.. holding on for a little too long and waiting for the boot on your backside..then your feet. Go maan.. play some golf.. or tell your grandkids some story ..

Varsha - A Tribute

I was 27 when I died of blood cancer, I was BSc First Class in Statistics and I have finished my MBA. My parents have selected a handsome prince for me and we were supposed to get married this month... August the month I died. Had I not died we would have been engaged a week or two after. We were supposed to marry just after Diwali in the soft winters of Malwa. I have seen 27 of them; maybe I remember about 15 of them consciously.

We were a small family 5 of us. Mom, Dad, Meenu, my elder sister; Varsha, that’s me and my younger kiddo sister Disha. Actually we were four most of the times, Meenu grew up with my Mama and Naani, there was no kid there in that house and when my elder Mama died my Naani was so heartbroken she wanted someone to keep herself busy with, she kept Meenu. So in fact I and Meenu were more of cousins then siblings, we often saw each other on summer vacations. I just discovered a sad coincidence in previous para, my eldest Mama too died just few months before his marriage and the only difference was he was already engaged, a bright talented astrologer employed with Railways he passed away with massive heart attack with no previous medical history. Even my cancer was diagnosed a day before I died, 03-08-08.

We were a typical lower middle class small town family. My dad was a fitter at Grasim, his salary was not good but we managed as we lived a joint family with my Dadaji, dadi, my Chahcha. We were a contended lot. After my Chacha's marriage we separated to a nuclear family with me , my mom and my dad. Disha arrived much later. Those were hard days for us. Three of us, rented house, my school fees and daily chores. Even that was proving tough for us, even in a small town of Nagda. The day I died everything replayed in my mind, I even remember talking to my mom about a Diwali when we just had 50 Rupees and my mom somehow managed to buy some Diyas, Laxshmiji, and some sweets. We still were happy, we still were contended.

I was a bright child, and conditions made me work harder then others in my studies. Always a topper in my class I completed by Graduation in Math with Statistics, I always wanted to be an engineer but situation did not allow me to be one. So I did my B.Sc. instead, Meenu got married while I was in my final year of Graduation and though she was always away it was an occasion for all of us. But as she has moved in with us for past for years, it was going to leave a void in my parents life. So I moved back in Nagda after my studies. I did my MBA from distance education and also taught in a local school. I wanted to move out to a big city for a better career but leaving mom and dad alone pained me, I know I am at peace now but the pain of leaving my Mom n dad still hurts like a million scorpions biting all over your body. I didn't knew then that it would be so hard leaving them, even though I knew I was supposed to get married some day and will have to move away, but I was determined to be near my Mom and Dad.

My parents started looking for a prospective groom for last couple of years. It is hard getting married when you are not so rich, the demands and all. Couple of time the proposal could not materialize because i was more educated then my prospective groom. As my parents started worrying about repeated failures in getting a good proposal for marriage, I started to feel their pain. I know I lost a lot of wait during this period. But we still were a happy family. Meenu and her kids visited us once in a while. I went to live with her when she was going to have Golu, her second child. Meenu and me never got together well, being of different temperaments, we always used to fight. But deep down we knew both of us cared for each other. Last time she visited us was when Golu was a year old. And our house was filled with such joy. Disha had a friend in Gauri, Meenu's elder kid and I and mom had Golu. Never did I knew it was the last time I was seeing them when they left.

I think I got cancer about in March when I suddenly fell very ill. Doctors’ diagnosed it as Typhoid and my RBC count fell. Despite continuous medications I was never able to recover fully. I felt tired, had a body ache, and never wanted to eat a thing. I had a complete checkup in Mumbai when I visited Meenu for the last time but then doctors could not raise any warning. They found some problems but asked me to visit again if after medications my RBS didn't stabilize. In small towns what happens is that you tend to loose focus on your health till it is too serious and I forgot his warning sooner.

After Meenu has left us when she visited us the last time my health started deterioting rapidly. And two weeks ago I knew it was serious as I just couldn't stand up and was not able to get an hour of peaceful sleep. Till we could realize it was too late. When doctors suggested me to be moved to Ujjain I was didn't knew I was moving out of my house for the last time. My troubles got over at 3 in the morning.

Now that I am away, I leave behind my grieving parents and a shell shocked sisters. Disha is refusing to believe that I am gone. My mom often says she feels I am just out of the house for some shopping and would be home soon.

Just for them.. Mom, Dad i am at peace and thank you for having given birth for me, taking care of me and letting me to experience this world for 26 beautiful years. I know I have left a void in your life with my untimely departure but believe me if I could have had the choice I would have rather liked you to die peacefully in my laps then what happened now. I understand you pain and your anguish. But I leave with no bitterness and complain. I leave peacefully.

Mom… take care of Dad
Meenu... take care of our parents and Disha.

Vaccum

That's the feeling you normally get when you suddenly shift your lifestyle. Away from the carefree bachelor days in Oulu to having to take care of your two kids :-). Well honestly life would never be fun if it remains static, so here am slipping into a parent role again with some discomfort but with a smile on my face remembering all the fun i had in Oulu. Cricket at 8 at night, Vodkas till 5 in the morning, cigarettes on weekends, weekends all week long, cards till you fall asleep, pool till they close.. all this..

One more chapter of life lovingly stored in some corner of my mind. You know things would never be same again.. but then you don't want them to remain same. Happy, crazy memories. I never lived that real bachelors life when you had time, you had money and you didn't have responsibilities.. Life has ways to even things out.. every now and then i live my bachelors days.. though at the cost of wives troubles.. She takes care of the kids.. i me :).

Being a nostalgic kind of guy.. i thought maybe list down some of the things as they come to my mind.

Waiting for weekend to come from Monday morning.. drinking so much so that you want to sleep with the fishes.. umm sorry shoes. Sledging the rookies(Read Ramprasad and Ulhas ) at pool and serious status meetings on Fantasy leagues TP's till the uninterested guys(Read Shyam) ears bled. In depth discussions on all the Nonsense with highly intellectual individuals(Read Mahentesh and Ankit). Bullying the juniors (Read Suman). High quality intellectual discussions on Women and their anatomies..(Read and Ignore this) .

Well all the guys with me.. all of the were at least 5 years junior.. but i guess we did pretty well being buddies.

Here is to starting another unknown chapter in my life..

Cheers!!!

Flying

I went Skydiving yesterday. A two day introductory theory and some practice and then given a choice of Friday or Thursday Dive, I chose Thursday to be the D-day.

Trust me there is nothing scarier in this world then to feel the initial thrust of the wind in your face, 1000 M above ground staring directly at it below, when the jump master initially opens the door and tells you Maine(GO in Finnish). Oh sorry.. there is something scarier, after the door is open you are supposed to hold the wing support, walk down the wheel cover to the far end of the wing, slowly get down the wheel cover.. hanging to the wing support rod.. look up and let go.

Once you let go its not scary, coz you mind freezes.. so you don't have any thoughts till your feel the jerk of the parachute opening and it stopping your free fall. I guess i had my 3 seconds of Nirvana. No thoughts and blank mind.

Thats why they teach you in the training to count out loud.. hundred one, hundred two, hundred three.. hundred four.. hundred five. So that you know that at 1000 M and in 5 secs if the chute doesn't open by the static line you have to start the emergency procedures (Which means by the way to jettison the primary canopy and open the reserve one) Heaven knows and i was pretty close to it so he saw it that i was so blank that i didn't even fu*king count. If the primary canopy wouldn't have opened i don't know i would have had the presence to start the reserve procedure. But i guess the sport is pretty safe. My instructor has 1300 Jumps and he needed only once the emergency procedure and that too when he was trying to do some complex maneuvers. But i have to be so unlucky as to it happen to me for the first jump i guess i would have taken that. But i am pretty sure that 9/10, i wouldn't have been able to take emergency procedures in time.

Thats why they failed me in my Pilot aptitude test when i went for selection in Air Force. I guess some things are best left to people who are meant to do it.

My ground radio guy told me i was pretty good at controlling the canopy once it was open and I was able to bring it properly to landing grounds and i landed pretty near to the designated spot.. in a ditch. Oh.. i forgot to apply the flare (sky diving jargon for Brake :-) ) and landed hard. My right ankle is still sprained.

But it was an experience of lifetime and i lived it in 5 mins. A hell a lot of high when you let go.. There is option for a second free jump available too, but i guess i have had enough and am letting that go. Let it remain a once in lifetime thing.

One thing a guy like me with loads of inferiority complex has to do crazy things like thing from time to time to keep proving points.. to himself and others.. My ego tripped and am at peace for sometime.

Settlers Of Oulu (Tongue firmly in cheeks)

I’m sitting before my TV, on the edge of the chair, approximately 15 feet away for it. The TV Samsung shows IPL Kolkotta Vs Delhi encounter being played far away from me by still at such a breathtaking pace. A frenctic atmostphere, wicket falling and and hyper excited jannat ka rehnewaala (owner of the bunglow called heavens), as my mother calls it. Ammi, Ira and Junaid are by my side and we are in the middle of one of our favourite game ‘IPL KKR Vs DD’. Shahrukh is making me lick my wounds and I am feeling a tinge of zealousness every now and then. How much more can I take this?

Now, before you jump to any conclusions let me add that Shahrukh is the name of the guy who beat me to FF award for best actor with his DDLJ to my Rangeela. And before you jump to any further conclusions let me add that I had nothing to do but defame him every now and then. In fact Shahrukh is the actor who came after me in this industry and went a long way ahead. When I started this blog it came with the intention of self promotion and taking malicious potshots and distaste full comments on my competitors and their dogs! Apparently Shahrukh (the actor) was shooting for a lot of commercials(and earning a lot of money) in this industry for last few years, and from that very day my caretakers and chamchaas could not get me single commercial even as a duplicate of Shahrukh. What are the chances of me replacing Shahrukh as a top brand name!!!

Some of my friends claim that I started this blog just because of the dog... umm Shahrukh. I would have to be a serious fan of Shahrukh’s to want to do that. Your guess…

All I can say is I’m waiting for him to come over and start saying few things about me as well so that its dirty and muddy on both sides. Why the hell he is always so composed when responding to my provocations..

Getting back to the match, it’s a terrible game.. Shaharukh is winning again. You must not support KKR if you are fond of me.

All in all I am having a great time with my mom and kids here in my favorite place on earth, Panchgani. I think Kiran and I must have done something wrong in our life to be condemned with this place and watch Shahrukh hogging all the lime lite on TV doing all his over the top antics. Damn it i even tried to buy a second rated ICL team to somehow compete.. but then i decided for better.. I'll do what i do best.. rake up another few controversy ahead of my Home production "Jaane Tu".

After letting out all this muck and poison, my heart seems to be healing of the jealousy , slowly but surely.

Catching up on films, saw Mela last night which I liked.

Incidentally Panchgani is a favorite with actors. Now that’s something I am going to learn as soon as I finish with the Ghajini shoot.

Well Shahrukh is once again begging for my jealousy and criticism, so let me get back to him. He is jumping and hyper acting too much, making me go in fumes. I think I needs a bath. “Hell boy, hell.”

Back to India

Been a while, actually i lost to laziness this time. Mind it its such a strong emotion.. even stronger then revenge as most people would feel. In laziness you have got nothing to do.. it takes care of itself.

I would be flying back to India for good this month end.

Andrew Symonds said this after being hit for 17 in the last over by Warne " Twenty20 is a great for the game but not so good for ego". Well of last few days i have been feeling the same about onsite. Its great for sometime, to earn money, visit new places, have fun in general but then you are always endangering you ego. Why??

The clients or foreigners are not the best people to ask for feedback to. It not always encouraging. I got mine which was pretty average and its been hurting for a while. Even average guys are pretty much discouraged by an average feedback. I think the feedback should always be taken by our Moms and we might just get that Ego to trip over. Others just hurt when they are being honest :-). On the same note feedback should never be taken by a wife, especially when you have kept her away in India for 6 Months while you were having fun onsite and she was taking care of the kids. Well i guess that deserves a 0/6. I have not been doing well in life of late in general.

And now in blogs too i am having elite company. Amitabh Bachhan has started blogging and i admit he is blogging well. Aamir has been infrequent now a days.. but he also blogs well. I guess celebrities make their blogs a platform for self defence, justification and preservation. I was specially sad at Aamir when he tried to justify his stand on participating in Olympic torch run by giving altruist reasons when all what was to it was Coca Cola.

IPL looks like it is exceeding expectations. The games are getting competitive and even though some teams are falling far behind you sometime feel the need to support an underdog. I have chosen Punjab 11 just for the fact because it has the prettiest owner. Nothing to do with regional loyalty, all all that MNS crap. Honestly Royal Challengers screwed up their team selection and so did Mumbai Indians.. I mean common who would have Wasim Jaffer as opener in a 20-20 when he is considered slow in Tests. The Mumbai team somehow also chose to have in it group a couple of very old, very expensive, some very physical players :-). But i guess Shreesanth got his desert and he seems to be asking for more.

More later..