इस बार नहीं

इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब वोह छोटी सी बच्ची मेरे पास अपनी खरोंच ले कर आएगी
मैं उसे फू फू कर नहीं बहलाऊँगा
पनपने दूंगा उसकी टीस को
इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब मैं चेहरों पर दर्द लिखा देखूँगा
नहीं गाऊँगा गीत पीडा भुला देने वाले
दर्द को रिसने दूंगा,उतरने दूंगा अन्दर गहरे
इस बार नहीं
इस बार मैं ना मरहम लगाऊँगा
ना ही उठाऊँगा रुई के फाहे
और ना ही कहूँगा की तुम आंखे बंद करलो,गर्दन उधर कर लो में दवा लगता हूँ
देखने दूंगा सबको हम सबको, खुले नंगे घाव
इस बार नहीं
इस बार जब उलझने देखूँगा,छटपटाहट देखूँगा
नहीं दौडूंगा उलझी डोर लपेटने
उलझने दूंगा जब तक उलझ सके
इस बार नहीं
इस बार कर्म का हवाला दे कर नहीं उठाऊँगा औजार
नहीं करूंगा फिर से एक नयी शुरुआत
नहीं बनूँगा मिसाल एक कर्मयोगी की
नहीं आने दूंगा ज़िन्दगी को आसानी से पटरी पर
उतारने दूंगा उसे कीचड में,टेढे मेढे रास्तों पे
नहीं सूखने दूंगा दीवारों पर लगा खून
हल्का नहीं पड़ने दूंगा उसका रंग
इस बार नहीं बनने दूंगा उसे इतना लाचार-
की पान की पीक और खून का फर्क ही ख़त्म हो जाये
इस बार नहीं
इस बार घावों को देखना है
गौर से
थोड़ा लंबे वक्त तक
कुछ फैसले
और उसके बाद हौसले
कहीं तोः शुरुआत करनी ही होगी
इस बार यही तय किया
है

-- प्रसून जोशी

Been a while

Life takes it toll..or should i say age.. damn it.. still not 34 and am talking of age. The body of late has been contantly reminding me of football matches i have played and every fall thence.. every cricket match and the subsiquent blows. Or I think its just an unhealthy life style of late that i am trying to hide. Plan to hit 65 before next birth.. i was 65 when i was 25 so 35 will tribute to 25 by being 65. I have just crossed 76 .. my highest when the sensex is trying its very best to shed flab. Yes maaan i say it was a lot of flab there.. a lot of hype.. a lot of aggressive banks and conservative businesses when it should have been the other way round. But a coreection every 10 years is something we are used to. But the stress of a 43 year old guy killing himself and his family is something bad. To much of expectations from life as from sensex.. No i don't want to trivialize a death.. but off late we have been going a wrong way in all walks of life. Or is it i have cultivated too much of cynicism...negitivity.. yeah too much of it. But then there is no good news now a days.. even today Dada annouced his retirement.. i didn't knew how to react.. to be happy or be sad.. but i guess forcing people or putting them under so much of pressure so that they retire.. i am against.. one of the great indian captains making an exit. It was due i guess but it should have come from inside him and not forced out of him. But i have an opinion we indians retire too late. The attitude of dying with boots on is not bad.. but trying to keep wearing a boot at 75 is something not very gracefull. A 75 year old chairman of an Indian Engineering Giant still trying to keep his boots on... yeah i know he won TOI business man of the year or something.. but gracefull exits please.. and don't try to blame the situation of having no good leader after you for not retiring.. leader should be cultivated and not killed as compitition becuase you want to stay as chairman at the age of 75. Thats where i have problems with people.. holding on for a little too long and waiting for the boot on your backside..then your feet. Go maan.. play some golf.. or tell your grandkids some story ..

Varsha - A Tribute

I was 27 when I died of blood cancer, I was BSc First Class in Statistics and I have finished my MBA. My parents have selected a handsome prince for me and we were supposed to get married this month... August the month I died. Had I not died we would have been engaged a week or two after. We were supposed to marry just after Diwali in the soft winters of Malwa. I have seen 27 of them; maybe I remember about 15 of them consciously.

We were a small family 5 of us. Mom, Dad, Meenu, my elder sister; Varsha, that’s me and my younger kiddo sister Disha. Actually we were four most of the times, Meenu grew up with my Mama and Naani, there was no kid there in that house and when my elder Mama died my Naani was so heartbroken she wanted someone to keep herself busy with, she kept Meenu. So in fact I and Meenu were more of cousins then siblings, we often saw each other on summer vacations. I just discovered a sad coincidence in previous para, my eldest Mama too died just few months before his marriage and the only difference was he was already engaged, a bright talented astrologer employed with Railways he passed away with massive heart attack with no previous medical history. Even my cancer was diagnosed a day before I died, 03-08-08.

We were a typical lower middle class small town family. My dad was a fitter at Grasim, his salary was not good but we managed as we lived a joint family with my Dadaji, dadi, my Chahcha. We were a contended lot. After my Chacha's marriage we separated to a nuclear family with me , my mom and my dad. Disha arrived much later. Those were hard days for us. Three of us, rented house, my school fees and daily chores. Even that was proving tough for us, even in a small town of Nagda. The day I died everything replayed in my mind, I even remember talking to my mom about a Diwali when we just had 50 Rupees and my mom somehow managed to buy some Diyas, Laxshmiji, and some sweets. We still were happy, we still were contended.

I was a bright child, and conditions made me work harder then others in my studies. Always a topper in my class I completed by Graduation in Math with Statistics, I always wanted to be an engineer but situation did not allow me to be one. So I did my B.Sc. instead, Meenu got married while I was in my final year of Graduation and though she was always away it was an occasion for all of us. But as she has moved in with us for past for years, it was going to leave a void in my parents life. So I moved back in Nagda after my studies. I did my MBA from distance education and also taught in a local school. I wanted to move out to a big city for a better career but leaving mom and dad alone pained me, I know I am at peace now but the pain of leaving my Mom n dad still hurts like a million scorpions biting all over your body. I didn't knew then that it would be so hard leaving them, even though I knew I was supposed to get married some day and will have to move away, but I was determined to be near my Mom and Dad.

My parents started looking for a prospective groom for last couple of years. It is hard getting married when you are not so rich, the demands and all. Couple of time the proposal could not materialize because i was more educated then my prospective groom. As my parents started worrying about repeated failures in getting a good proposal for marriage, I started to feel their pain. I know I lost a lot of wait during this period. But we still were a happy family. Meenu and her kids visited us once in a while. I went to live with her when she was going to have Golu, her second child. Meenu and me never got together well, being of different temperaments, we always used to fight. But deep down we knew both of us cared for each other. Last time she visited us was when Golu was a year old. And our house was filled with such joy. Disha had a friend in Gauri, Meenu's elder kid and I and mom had Golu. Never did I knew it was the last time I was seeing them when they left.

I think I got cancer about in March when I suddenly fell very ill. Doctors’ diagnosed it as Typhoid and my RBC count fell. Despite continuous medications I was never able to recover fully. I felt tired, had a body ache, and never wanted to eat a thing. I had a complete checkup in Mumbai when I visited Meenu for the last time but then doctors could not raise any warning. They found some problems but asked me to visit again if after medications my RBS didn't stabilize. In small towns what happens is that you tend to loose focus on your health till it is too serious and I forgot his warning sooner.

After Meenu has left us when she visited us the last time my health started deterioting rapidly. And two weeks ago I knew it was serious as I just couldn't stand up and was not able to get an hour of peaceful sleep. Till we could realize it was too late. When doctors suggested me to be moved to Ujjain I was didn't knew I was moving out of my house for the last time. My troubles got over at 3 in the morning.

Now that I am away, I leave behind my grieving parents and a shell shocked sisters. Disha is refusing to believe that I am gone. My mom often says she feels I am just out of the house for some shopping and would be home soon.

Just for them.. Mom, Dad i am at peace and thank you for having given birth for me, taking care of me and letting me to experience this world for 26 beautiful years. I know I have left a void in your life with my untimely departure but believe me if I could have had the choice I would have rather liked you to die peacefully in my laps then what happened now. I understand you pain and your anguish. But I leave with no bitterness and complain. I leave peacefully.

Mom… take care of Dad
Meenu... take care of our parents and Disha.

Vaccum

That's the feeling you normally get when you suddenly shift your lifestyle. Away from the carefree bachelor days in Oulu to having to take care of your two kids :-). Well honestly life would never be fun if it remains static, so here am slipping into a parent role again with some discomfort but with a smile on my face remembering all the fun i had in Oulu. Cricket at 8 at night, Vodkas till 5 in the morning, cigarettes on weekends, weekends all week long, cards till you fall asleep, pool till they close.. all this..

One more chapter of life lovingly stored in some corner of my mind. You know things would never be same again.. but then you don't want them to remain same. Happy, crazy memories. I never lived that real bachelors life when you had time, you had money and you didn't have responsibilities.. Life has ways to even things out.. every now and then i live my bachelors days.. though at the cost of wives troubles.. She takes care of the kids.. i me :).

Being a nostalgic kind of guy.. i thought maybe list down some of the things as they come to my mind.

Waiting for weekend to come from Monday morning.. drinking so much so that you want to sleep with the fishes.. umm sorry shoes. Sledging the rookies(Read Ramprasad and Ulhas ) at pool and serious status meetings on Fantasy leagues TP's till the uninterested guys(Read Shyam) ears bled. In depth discussions on all the Nonsense with highly intellectual individuals(Read Mahentesh and Ankit). Bullying the juniors (Read Suman). High quality intellectual discussions on Women and their anatomies..(Read and Ignore this) .

Well all the guys with me.. all of the were at least 5 years junior.. but i guess we did pretty well being buddies.

Here is to starting another unknown chapter in my life..

Cheers!!!

Flying

I went Skydiving yesterday. A two day introductory theory and some practice and then given a choice of Friday or Thursday Dive, I chose Thursday to be the D-day.

Trust me there is nothing scarier in this world then to feel the initial thrust of the wind in your face, 1000 M above ground staring directly at it below, when the jump master initially opens the door and tells you Maine(GO in Finnish). Oh sorry.. there is something scarier, after the door is open you are supposed to hold the wing support, walk down the wheel cover to the far end of the wing, slowly get down the wheel cover.. hanging to the wing support rod.. look up and let go.

Once you let go its not scary, coz you mind freezes.. so you don't have any thoughts till your feel the jerk of the parachute opening and it stopping your free fall. I guess i had my 3 seconds of Nirvana. No thoughts and blank mind.

Thats why they teach you in the training to count out loud.. hundred one, hundred two, hundred three.. hundred four.. hundred five. So that you know that at 1000 M and in 5 secs if the chute doesn't open by the static line you have to start the emergency procedures (Which means by the way to jettison the primary canopy and open the reserve one) Heaven knows and i was pretty close to it so he saw it that i was so blank that i didn't even fu*king count. If the primary canopy wouldn't have opened i don't know i would have had the presence to start the reserve procedure. But i guess the sport is pretty safe. My instructor has 1300 Jumps and he needed only once the emergency procedure and that too when he was trying to do some complex maneuvers. But i have to be so unlucky as to it happen to me for the first jump i guess i would have taken that. But i am pretty sure that 9/10, i wouldn't have been able to take emergency procedures in time.

Thats why they failed me in my Pilot aptitude test when i went for selection in Air Force. I guess some things are best left to people who are meant to do it.

My ground radio guy told me i was pretty good at controlling the canopy once it was open and I was able to bring it properly to landing grounds and i landed pretty near to the designated spot.. in a ditch. Oh.. i forgot to apply the flare (sky diving jargon for Brake :-) ) and landed hard. My right ankle is still sprained.

But it was an experience of lifetime and i lived it in 5 mins. A hell a lot of high when you let go.. There is option for a second free jump available too, but i guess i have had enough and am letting that go. Let it remain a once in lifetime thing.

One thing a guy like me with loads of inferiority complex has to do crazy things like thing from time to time to keep proving points.. to himself and others.. My ego tripped and am at peace for sometime.

Settlers Of Oulu (Tongue firmly in cheeks)

I’m sitting before my TV, on the edge of the chair, approximately 15 feet away for it. The TV Samsung shows IPL Kolkotta Vs Delhi encounter being played far away from me by still at such a breathtaking pace. A frenctic atmostphere, wicket falling and and hyper excited jannat ka rehnewaala (owner of the bunglow called heavens), as my mother calls it. Ammi, Ira and Junaid are by my side and we are in the middle of one of our favourite game ‘IPL KKR Vs DD’. Shahrukh is making me lick my wounds and I am feeling a tinge of zealousness every now and then. How much more can I take this?

Now, before you jump to any conclusions let me add that Shahrukh is the name of the guy who beat me to FF award for best actor with his DDLJ to my Rangeela. And before you jump to any further conclusions let me add that I had nothing to do but defame him every now and then. In fact Shahrukh is the actor who came after me in this industry and went a long way ahead. When I started this blog it came with the intention of self promotion and taking malicious potshots and distaste full comments on my competitors and their dogs! Apparently Shahrukh (the actor) was shooting for a lot of commercials(and earning a lot of money) in this industry for last few years, and from that very day my caretakers and chamchaas could not get me single commercial even as a duplicate of Shahrukh. What are the chances of me replacing Shahrukh as a top brand name!!!

Some of my friends claim that I started this blog just because of the dog... umm Shahrukh. I would have to be a serious fan of Shahrukh’s to want to do that. Your guess…

All I can say is I’m waiting for him to come over and start saying few things about me as well so that its dirty and muddy on both sides. Why the hell he is always so composed when responding to my provocations..

Getting back to the match, it’s a terrible game.. Shaharukh is winning again. You must not support KKR if you are fond of me.

All in all I am having a great time with my mom and kids here in my favorite place on earth, Panchgani. I think Kiran and I must have done something wrong in our life to be condemned with this place and watch Shahrukh hogging all the lime lite on TV doing all his over the top antics. Damn it i even tried to buy a second rated ICL team to somehow compete.. but then i decided for better.. I'll do what i do best.. rake up another few controversy ahead of my Home production "Jaane Tu".

After letting out all this muck and poison, my heart seems to be healing of the jealousy , slowly but surely.

Catching up on films, saw Mela last night which I liked.

Incidentally Panchgani is a favorite with actors. Now that’s something I am going to learn as soon as I finish with the Ghajini shoot.

Well Shahrukh is once again begging for my jealousy and criticism, so let me get back to him. He is jumping and hyper acting too much, making me go in fumes. I think I needs a bath. “Hell boy, hell.”

Back to India

Been a while, actually i lost to laziness this time. Mind it its such a strong emotion.. even stronger then revenge as most people would feel. In laziness you have got nothing to do.. it takes care of itself.

I would be flying back to India for good this month end.

Andrew Symonds said this after being hit for 17 in the last over by Warne " Twenty20 is a great for the game but not so good for ego". Well of last few days i have been feeling the same about onsite. Its great for sometime, to earn money, visit new places, have fun in general but then you are always endangering you ego. Why??

The clients or foreigners are not the best people to ask for feedback to. It not always encouraging. I got mine which was pretty average and its been hurting for a while. Even average guys are pretty much discouraged by an average feedback. I think the feedback should always be taken by our Moms and we might just get that Ego to trip over. Others just hurt when they are being honest :-). On the same note feedback should never be taken by a wife, especially when you have kept her away in India for 6 Months while you were having fun onsite and she was taking care of the kids. Well i guess that deserves a 0/6. I have not been doing well in life of late in general.

And now in blogs too i am having elite company. Amitabh Bachhan has started blogging and i admit he is blogging well. Aamir has been infrequent now a days.. but he also blogs well. I guess celebrities make their blogs a platform for self defence, justification and preservation. I was specially sad at Aamir when he tried to justify his stand on participating in Olympic torch run by giving altruist reasons when all what was to it was Coca Cola.

IPL looks like it is exceeding expectations. The games are getting competitive and even though some teams are falling far behind you sometime feel the need to support an underdog. I have chosen Punjab 11 just for the fact because it has the prettiest owner. Nothing to do with regional loyalty, all all that MNS crap. Honestly Royal Challengers screwed up their team selection and so did Mumbai Indians.. I mean common who would have Wasim Jaffer as opener in a 20-20 when he is considered slow in Tests. The Mumbai team somehow also chose to have in it group a couple of very old, very expensive, some very physical players :-). But i guess Shreesanth got his desert and he seems to be asking for more.

More later..

Go for Quotas

Although Hinduism doesn't advocates it directly, the so called upper casts Hindus have been abusing the basic human rights of the so called lower cast Hindus.

These lower casts have been divided into Scheduled Casts, Schedules Tribes and Other Backward Casts. The recent SC judgement allows for the the reservations for 26% OBC in various educational institutes. As expected the first statements from the Upper Casts student and people have been guided by Survival Instincts. The self defence and survival mechanism has brought them to immediately call foul, the judgments. As usual their arguments have centered around primarily:


1) Talent and ability should be the only criteria
2) Poor and Underprivileged are even in Upper Casts.


Lets take it one by one.


First the so called talent and ability that they so grandly call should be the only criteria is nothing but another name for opportunity and head start that certain people have got. How come it is always that a Doctors son at most times end up becoming a doctor, for an engineers son it is almost expected that he will clear the grades to be an engineer. Same with actors, politicians, armed forces personals etc. No stats are needed, you just have to look around and we see that this phenomenon has become such a fact of lives that we have started ignoring it. What does it proves? Certainly their aren't any genes that makes you a capable doctor or an actor or an engineer. Its just that these so called second generations were fortunate enough to be brought up in an environment where excelling at the trade is easy. Our Indian society has been built in such a way that passing trades to next generation is just a formality. There in no way, that a doctors son has a higher ability because he has passed the entrance exams in a higher grade then others. Its just because he had been FORTUNATE ENOUGH to have been brought up in a household which has given him a distinct advantage in terms of passing the exams and choosing a career.


So far so good, no one has any objections of a son following his father footsteps for good. The problem is that if it remains so that a cobblers son will always have to be a cobbler and a fisherman's son will always end up being a fisherman. What if they want to change to other professions. What if they want to move up the ladder. There is no talent involved here. A fisherman's son will have to work 100 times harder to achieve the same kind of marks, ranking or standing in an exams that have been so far the playgrounds of the privileged. And then they talk about equal opportunity and test of abilities. A fisherman's son scoring 40% is equal to 80% scored by a doctors son in a Medical Entrance.


Lets give this doctors son a project. Take 10 years and try and become a bigger star then Abhishek Bachhan or Aamir khan in Film Industry. See how difficult it. See how the head start and a privilege matters. Off course there will always be a Shahrukh Khan in every field where a person comes from no where and hits the invisible walls so hard that he breaks in no matter what. But then these SRK' s are so few what about the others. What about the other such's in other fields.


The biggest problem with this world has been the top 5% of the population has been holding 80% of the resources. And when someone tries to do something about it they cry thief. Why the hell is no one ready to share. Why there always have to be few under your feet for you to rise up. Why do we always end up saying "Let them have cakes then" when people are dying of starvation. Does anyone have moral courage to go and look at how people are living just to make their basic needs met. How they are queuing up hours in a line to get their kerosene or where a father has to choose between having her daughter out of the school or his son because he can't meet the expenses of both. We want to fight an equal battle with these guys!!!

We have to admit that equal opportunity comes from equal grounds. If you have people from unequal standing competing for same resource you can never call for best ability trail.

Now to the second point:

Yes agreed, there are underprivileged in upper casts as well. This has been a call going around for god knows how many years but can somebody actually point out to someone from this category. I have not seen many examples of this. Yeah some families from upper cast are poor, but poor for them does not mean choosing between education for children or going without food for days. Just go and see poverty and tribal and backwards in villages. So even if there are some really underprivileged in the upper casts who also needs help, but using this argument to block the greater good is nothing but using their shoulder to fire you shots.

Recently PM of Australia apologised for all the wrongs that's have been committed by Whites on the aboriginals (Though they worded it such so that there are no financial consequences). But isn't it time for us to accept our responsibilities and the responsibilities of our ancestors for all the wrongs they have committed. After all we are also enjoying the fruits of all the goods that they have left for us.

Look Beyond.. Maybe we can help build a better world.. Maybe if i sacrifice my sons seat in an IIT to an OBC for a lesser college, it would help reducing gaps within. Can't we walk slow for a while so that we can walk together after some time.

After the break

The break was because i was at home enjoying my family and another week of a hangover when back in Oulu. Well this time it was not as bad.

Speaking of a hangover just imagine how it would be when you mix tequila and beer and vodka and whiskey and rum on strawberry. Don't DO it. It was done by professionals who don't know why they are having a bump on their head and bruises on their arms the next morning.

Well we are far into spring. Their still light at 8:30. And it snowed in London yesterday. We are screwing up this earth i tell you. forget about your kids and grandkids, prey that it is still livable till the end of your life.

Humans have always been creatures who destroy the place they live in, and have developed an intelligence of denial or instinct of self denial that they aren't doing it. They refuse the accpt thaat a sheet of Antarctica that broke up yesterday was their deeds and would do any damn thing in this world to ensure that they money for the next installment for their 2.5 crore house is payed in time lest they have to sell their fully loaded Tata Safari for that. Take my words your kids are not going to enjoy that house you have so lovingly bought and toiled your backside off. They wouldn't have enough drinking water to survive and the AC in the house would rot of the lack of energy that we have already used up.

Oh how do i long for days when the fathers used to teach their kids the right way to plant the mango seed or the grandma's used clean the wicks of the lamps that will be lit up at night for another round tales from Ramayana.

The romantics at heart are just born in this world to suffer and long for the past...

Music

Sunday morning, after a rather heavy night.. head still dizzy, maybe a hangover. You have still not brushed your teeth or washed your face. Yeah a cup of tea from Shyam was wonderful, a usual Finnish spring morning(-5 C). Cloud cover, that will aid a perfect swing balling if it would have been Lords, maybe on a first day pitch 150 all out kind of weather. And here you are sitting there, Generous tuning 20 Euro Chinese Guitar which i have screwed up. And here he goes..

"Pretty Women, walking down the streets". Just him and his guitar and we had a trance suddenly everything felt good, life seemed worth it and not a word is spoken when he delivers three melodies one after the other. Just him and the untuned guitar.

That's the power of music. Its ability to affect your brain so fast and so positively. Amongst all this noise, music is a gift e have found for ourselves. And the wonderful and beautiful of all art forms. Its special because unlike other arts it doesn't imitate nature, its special because it so natural that even babies who don't know colors and words respond to music. Instead of copying nature as other arts, it adds to it.

Its a mans return gift to gods whereever they maybe.

Spring time

Spirits are high… first the days are getting longer and we see a lot more sun, and second... i am going back to india on 21st. It already is smelling Holi... its already feeling India.

The feel of sunrays biting your skin, as you sit dazed after the morning of colors and glasses of bhang. The nights that are still cold enough, not to be the humid warm ones of April May. Even the 6 Hours Light cuts seem sexy. Oh... the call of the land.

Well, you can expect histrionics from me time to time; the mood swings have stabilized a bit. And I am even thinking about getting my family here. Not such a bad place at all this Oulu is... And not much is going around this world now a days, atleast not something i feel strongly about.

Loved it when we beat the Aussies in their own den, but i think the media got a bit overboard with the celebration and importance. A set of 11 humans have beaten another human team, that’s it. Or you are celebrating like you know it is a miracle, and that is an insult to team India and we never needed the facilitations in Firozshah kotle. Now, are we going to facilitate our team on any successful return??

Share market is steadily going down and some of the bars are making big money i guess. But overall outlook of American economy is not good and so we will too suffer if they go down for long term.

What else, Black and White released. Plan to watch it over a week.

The first final, sachin's inning, budget and nothing much..

A perfect 10/10 innings this was. This is as good a hundred you would get when chasing 240. Paced to perfection.. 46 singles.. 2 upper cuts to third man and you have Sachin that we all loved to love. If he repeats this again, I have no doubt we are coming back 2-0. But it was a team effort to put it that way. Harbhajan making his balls talk against Heyden's mouth, Pravin kumar's initial spell, good fielding, and yeah don't forget Rohit's batting. Australia would be more worried about the way India won then the loss itself.

Budget... well i am not a very financial times man but what i get of it is i would be saving some 40K on taxes next years, some really troubled famers are finally getting some help and the biggest thing is the education allocation has increased. This is the key, if we have to be anywhere near the Finalands, the UKs, the Japans or even Chinas of this world we have to get our literacy, the infrastructure and our basic amenities right. I don't give a damn where our Sensex is going or what out growth forecast is. If in some corner of India people don't have clean water to drink, a doctor nearby and schools for their kids... we are not good enough. Money in the hands of few is no use. I would have rather forgo’ed that 40K if it would have meant better roads to drive on or lesser electricity cut. Take that 40Ks back and please do build those power plants that we desperately need. So overall i think though populist, an "aam aadmi budget" is what we need for another few years. But the hope is that this money would indeed reach those farmers who are committing suicide and not the ones who are already having tractors and harvesters for themselves.

Let’s have bread for everybody yaar...

On the personal side Shrini cut his finger in the Mixer. He still can't remember how he did that, he says he was trying to adjust Pudina leaves in the running mixer. 7 stitches on his right hand and i am still having a headache on this. I did this to myself about 15 years back but i was less stupid trying to see why the blades were not running when my brother actually switched on the mixer.

Well i have an explanation... he cut his finger because he doesn't drink beer. Because when i cut my fingers even i didn't drink beer and since i have started drinking beer from last 12-14 years, i have never cut my fingers in my Mixer.

So for all of you who want there fingers intact, cheers... :-)

Getting personal

I was thrilled to find the first comment by Jose on my post on Taare Jameen Par... It looks like my views on this movie are in opposition with the entire world except me and that rock outside my house.

My primary opposition to this movie is was it necessary that, that kid wins the competition in the end. I hated it. Jose says it was fine, as the guy was not pushed. The point is not about being pushed or being unpushed. The point is winning... 80% of guys and gals in this world are very normal, mediocre, unachivers, who will never win in one or any other competition or space. What do their parents do? That’s why i said, the entire message of that movie was lost when he won.

Movies are about heroes, and mind it heroes might not be winners. A guy who had been failing in a class for years, just manages to pass the grades is a hero. He might not have come first or second or even somewhere at the top, but he is hero, having won his own little battles with himself... his circumstances... his shortcomings, he struggled against the odds. That’s a story.

Now convert the same situation to; A guy who has been failing for years in a class, finds something else that he is good at and achieves success... lets say win a drawing competition. Where is the story, where is the struggle... where is the fight... what are the odds… where is that heroness. It was all too easy, he was special and in the end he won.

Aamir did show Darshil able to learn his studies, and managing to pass, but then this part was diluted by showing it as a series of jump cuts and montages. The focus and finale still went to winning. That’s where my problem is.

My problem is why is winning so part of our psyche, our social system, our family setup. For me pushing is still ok, but the real pressure on kids comes from the expectation to win.

That’s what i so liked about "Suraj Ka Saatwaan Ghoda", That’s why i had a post on it. It was a movie about these mediocre unachivers, invisibles, mundane… but the movie appreciated their daily struggle. That’s why i so liked Rocky Part 1, if i remember correctly, Balboa didn't win his last fight, but he was a hero. He triumphed over his situation, his inner doubts, faced his daemons. Underdog, he stood up with every blow. The movie was not about winning the fight; it was not even about the fight itself. The movie was about life, and the fights that we fight against it not the fighters in the ring.

Being a hero does not mean to win a fight, a competition or some award. The external enemies and competitions are secondary… easy. The real fight is within, against yourself… It’s in reclaiming yourself... The struggle is about making a decision, taking a stand...

By showing a win in a fight that you had picked up, the importance of picking up a fight is lost... to show success in every stand that you take... the importance of taking a stand is lost.

Its never been about winning a fight… its about picking up one.

Maharastrians, UP'ites and Gorrillas

"Me and my brother against my cousine, me, my brother and my cousine against an outsider."

This Arab proverb captures everything to do with human hatred with fellow humans ranging from Holocaust to Darfur to Partition riots to recent UP'ite bashing in Mumbai. There is no need for a complex social study or other anthropological explanations. Except the fact that we have been hardwired to hate or at least be weary of fellow humans, ever since our ancestors were living unclothed in Africa. With resources always scarce evolution has taught us to form group and drive away the outsider. And if it comes to that it will be me against my brother.

Not a very optimistic signs, but i am sure this is genetic.. is far deep rooted and so connected with our basic instinct that in our hearts we will always be suspicious of any outsider and given half and chance and no conscience, will not hesitate to bare our teeth.

There has always been this struggle between the conscious thoughts and basic instincts. Agreed we have been hardwired to be suspicious, but then we have come long way from being the gorillas in some African jungle who have defend their territory and food.

The solution is conscious thinking and effort. Maybe things would have been different had Germans in 1933 would have paused and had a second thought when Hitler appealed to their basic instinct. Don't blame the evil alone, the guy was voted into the office first with clear set of agendas.

Same applies to outsiders as well. Do not ghetto yourself, mix and adapt... blend… It might be difficult but at least don't ghetto and be too damn concerned with your uprooted roots. After all you have moved. I am not saying forget your culture and roots. What i mean is don't be too overly concerned about it, don't be so romantically attached to it that it stands out like a sore thumb. We all have this tendency to be more protective and demonstrative of our roots and culture especially when we are uprooted.

I know it is a very emotional issue, about our culture… our past… our lands… our roots... but then keep it such that it doesn't appears an invasion. Respect the locals and the customs. How many of us always complain, crib, degrade and bash the local culture in our private gatherings even when we are living and earning there. This applies to everyone, anywhere… a UP'ite in Mumbai, a Maharastrian in US, a Jew in Germany, a German in Japan or a Muslim in UK.

Just think about it… we live there, we earn our living there but still in private we enjoy degrading their culture to our culture, their ways to our ways, their people to our people. And then the locals respond. Same basic hardwired phenomenon is at work. The hatred for people unlike us is always been there, whatever the situation, place or our type is. It applies to the outsider and the local equally.

What is the solution…?

Leaders or Situations, when they appeal to our inner hatred… our basic instincts, we should stop and think. I am sure each and every one of us the first reaction would be yeah... kick that outsider. But then stop and think… is it right… are you hating him just because he is an outsider, he can't speak your language, he not like you, he dresses differently or he has more money and success then you.

“Conscious thought” is one thing that differentiates human kind from animals. A gift that evolution has given us so that we can think on higher planes, we can drive our actions with greater goals in mind then just hunger, thirst or sex. If we stop and let our conscious thought take over, i am sure a lot of hatred would disappear.

Let is hate others for their actions not for what they are. Let us hate him if he is thief, not because he does not speak our language or he is a brother of a thief.

All of us have teeth… hard, white, vicious... bare them if needed. But mostly… use them to offer a warm smile to a stranger.

Suraj Ka Saatwan Ghoda

An good review of the movie is here.
http://jackofall.blogspot.com/2005/03/suraj-ka-satvan-ghoda.html

The seventh horse of sun is described as
1) the weakest and the slowest OR
2) youngest and the slowest
of the seven horses that pull Sun's chariot. Depending on which one of the definition you prefer there are two meanings of this movie.

As i would like to see, the seventh horse here characterizes the transparent, non-powerful or the middle class of the society. The men or women who go about there daily life, fighting for every inch of their living, unnoticed, transparent. Who are no heroes, no revolutionaries, no leaders of the society. They are the innermost of the horse who work tirelessly, invisible at most times, still controlling the pace and direction of the chariot.

If you look at them as weakest then the weakest are the ones that control the pace of the society. Slowest, tired, yet unruffled, still the innermost, with most of the others having to match their pace with them. They take all the blame, all the rough, all the stress, but keep on going, ever trying. Keeping check on everybody else.

If you look at them as the youngest then they are the hope. Though they are slow now, but with time they will gain strength and control, but still being the innermost and the controlling force.

The movie (I hate to admit i have not read the original novel by Dharamvir Bharti) tells the story of all these non-hero, invisible people who on the exterior live a mundane life making no difference what so ever to the society or state but have to bring in all the heroics/courage, to continue their daily struggle. Just to keep have another satisfactory tomorrow. Each day they live is a story in itself; every 24 hours they make a decision that can govern the rest of their life. Seemingly talking conservative, unheroic, middle class decision, just so that they can life another day.

Imagine how much would it cost oneself to take a conservative decision when one knows that you have very little to gain, maybe just a leverage to stay on, when the other way could have brought you all the joy and success. Isn't it courage, you can call it cowardice but believe me when every day and every moment of you life is struggle and pain. It is much easier is go out all guns blazing then to just live and fire another precious bullet from the trenches and continue the agony just because you don't want the fight to end.

You may die in the trenches in all misery and filth, but you gave that bitch of a life a hell of a fight. Think which of the options is easier. Doesn't this middle class, invisible guy keep on doing this same thing each and every day in his life?

The movie shows us in all its glory or the horror, (choose which ever suits your taste) this battle with life, direct from the trenches.

The supposed hero, or the guy who is telling us different stories is not a hero at all; he fails each and every time in life, he fails each and every invisible character in film who turn out to be a real hero. A film that shows even invisible guys have their story… even an invisible guy fights to his last with his chakku(knife) even when everything else has failed... story of an invisible guy who chooses to stay in the trenches then to go out all guns blazing... story of an invisible guy who sometimes finds and enjoys glimpses of happiness buried in his struggle and defeats… story of an invisible guy who refuses to let go.

This film is the story of the seventh horse of the sun, who chooses to fade slowly into the hazy background then to a glorified last flash in brilliance.

Kuch sust kadam raste.. kuch tez kadam raahen

As promised.. only difference is review was a wrong word.. maybe my feeling about him is more close. Reviewing Gulzaar is too big the shoes to fill... Just what my thoughts about him is more appropriate. So here we go...

Is mod se jaate hain.. kuch sust kadam raste.. kuch tez kadam raahen..

How much more visual you can get with words, using all those book full of superlatives. Gulzaar for me is more of a painter then a writer. Three strokes... and you have the picture... and all the words used above are as simple as they get in Hindi. This is for me the most endearing face of Gulzaar, simplicity.. minimalist and grounded.

He used those basic few tools to tell his story... be it his lyrics or his screenplays. Not to say he didn't try otherwise, Gulzaar for me is more of Angoor then Aandhi, more of Parichay then Hu tu tu.. Complex stories and ways somehow were at odds with his natural flow. That’s why Aandhi left us unsatisfied, and Hu tu tu confused.

But then we had Angoor, where Ashok trying to play footsie with Sudha ending up disturbing Tanu, coz Sudha is sitting cross legged on the Chair. Or the other Ashok saying "Bhag gaya" for the chor in train bathroom. It was such a movie with no ornaments or slap sticks at all. Or Jeetender jumping of the train in the climax of Parichay, hurting his leg in the process, that was climax and this was the peak of action. As simple as it gets. But one of his most lovable movies.

He has handled successfully complex subject like Izzazat and Lekin. But then they were never my favorites and as the look of it the neither the favorites of at least the most of the general public. His best part was always his simple straight reading of the subject on the ground level.

Same applies to his lyrics. I have chosen “tujse naraaz nahin zindigi” as my anthem just because of such few simple Hindi words describing entire philosophies of life. Life always asks us those masoom sawaals with simple answers just that we never have the courage to answer them. And then we go round about, avoiding them. Or a raunchy "Bidi Jalayle ..", or as-romantic-as-it-gets "aane waale pal" with its "ik baar waqt se lamha gira kahin". He is a Picasso with words, And that too, a cubist for he uses minimum simple words to tell his picture.

Last question.. gulzaar the lyricist, gulzaar the writer, or gulzaar the director.. Who do i like best? Well for me the answer is very simple. Gulzaar - the lyricist. He writes better poetries, maybe his movies are just an extension of them, so i have few of his Films as my favorites as well but for his songs, the few turns to be all. I think i can recognize his lyrics correctly in most of the songs even if i don't know them. Coz nobody would write… "Thandi safed Chaadroon par jaagen der tak.."

Bad weekend

Weekend was extremely bad.. i felt miserable again. Got drunk.. with an entire bottle of cognac. Worst part.. got drunk alone.. felt more miserable.. India has a chance to loose tomorrow.. but today was miserable for india as well. Love... never love you cricket team. As they say it hurts big time when something like Sydney happens. But being a rational guy i am predicting a draw that the most likely result. If we manage to loose somehow.. i am going to have another couple of miserable days.

Indian cricket team is just a symbol.. nothing seems to be going right in my life. Am missing my family in a big way. Yesterday saw my 9 months old on cam and couldn't keep hold of myself. What kind of life am i living.. how much of it is worth it.. Is this all right..

Oulu is already touching -16 C today.. seems like the cold weather is getting to me. Was stuffed up the entire day in the house today. Yesterday was kind of OK went out and had some fun with friends. Tried to cheer myself up but the biggest mistake was i brought a bottle of Cognac. Hoping to finish it during the week and then i come home and before i passed out the bottle was empty. From next time i am not going to bring those alcohols back home. Especially when i am alone.

Its 27th Jan and i am still determined to keep my promises made to me during new years resolution i am going to leave this damn company. I am suffering big time. But then there is a bit of good new too. Brought my tickets for Mumbai. Will be spending 10 March days before am back in Oulu with my family. And then 3 more months to go. It feels like those prisoners marking their prison walls to calculate days left :)

Next topic i have decided i am going to put my thoughts on Gulzaar, his films and his poetry. So watch out

Saare Zameen Par..

Back and So early..

Well something happened this week that if i would have waited the joke would have lost. What happened is related to the headline of the post and i borrowed it from rediff.

This was one of the jokes floating about the share market on Monday.. And i was just in splits. Hats of to the guy who came up with this. It can be about the shares or all the high flying share market investors. Trust me i am also the ones.. but i haven't put in so much money so that i would be prohibited to go near a lake..

On serious note.. it goes on to show couple of things.. First Mumbai’s sense of humor and its capability to laugh at herself. I am sure this joke would have been from one of the guys affected. And second is it never say die spirit.. waking up to live another day. That’s why you never see any lakes or wells or any sea's being closed in Mumbai come what may. The sensex is already on its way up.

On another serious note.. can we trust sensex to be a thermometer of Countries economy, well for now it looks like to be a thermometer of US economy. "Cheenk unhe aayi, razaai ham odte hain". The Chinese never went for their razaai's or gilaaf's. This goes on to show how sensitive this service economy is and how an outer glitter never tells a real story. Farmers are still committing suicide in Maharastra and my town Ambernath still has 6 hours of electricity cuts.

Is there something wrong somewhere... are we walking too fast.. are living on a bubble.. God help no, but yes there are some serious problems which is allowing a select few to enjoy the exclusive luxury while the majority still lives on fringes.

I don't have very organized thoughts on this subject.. but yes i do sense something bad.. or atleast something uncomfortable when i complain about the petrol getting expensive for my car rather then thinking about the food grain prices going north.

To write or to not

The most difficult things in world to do, are the ones that you don't feel like doing. The question is then why do such things.

This is what i was feeling like about this post. Did not have any subject, no desire and maybe no inspiration (even with India winning Perth :-)). But still there are things to be done that you have promised yourself you will do, come rain or storm. That is the motivation to post this another blog even if it is just rumblings of a frustrated mind. I don't want to fail myself again.

I know with lack of motivation and desire the post might just be terribly bore or nonsense but i haven't promised sense every time. Life at most time is same; it doesn't make a lot of sense. You are born, you live and then you go away. Most of us never make a difference to this world and its state in our entire lifetime, so what was the sense of us living in our times, are we wasted life.

Answer: Ask you loved ones. ask your mom, ask your dad, ask you wife, ask your kids. And the answer will tell you why you are here. The answer keeps you going.

Now as before in my rumblings here is the catch-22. You live, you try to work hard, you try to compromise to make them happy. But what if in trying to make them happy, you are making them sad. Well... i never promised sense in this post.

What should i do to keep walking, to post another blog, to fight another day? Well there are promises to keep. That itself is the biggest motivation. Being true to oneself. You need discipline to keep doing that despite any paybacks in short term. That’s what i promised myself.. Have some discipline in life. I think i am learning it a hard way but that is what it was supposed to be. Well anyway whatever it is i want to come out a better person of this. Even a tiny improvement and it would have been worth it.

Wait for my next post for something sensible :-)

Taare Jameen Par

A very late review.. lekin der aaye durust aaye.

Aamir's first attempt at direction and like everybody else.. I admit he did give us a good film.

3.5/5

Having said that.. let me get back to my favorite pastime. Criticizing from my armchair..

Thing i didn't like about the movie though.. was it necessary that the kid should win in the end. I mean when you are talking about not pushing a kid to be a champion and in the end he did end up beating his own teacher. The message is lost. As a parent after watching this movie what i take home is .. "find a field where my kid can win". I am sure Aamir did not intend that.

I know every kid is special, but that does not mean every kid is a winner in some or the other field. A kid is special because they don't give up, they refuse to loose, they are ready for one more try.. I think it would have been a better ending if he is shown having won a race against himself and at least managing to pass. Winning is not about beating somebody. Winning might be standing up against the odds, winning might be winning against oneself, and lots of other things.. You can be defeated but still win.. Think Rocky..I have never heard Gandhi win any competition but wasn't he special. Or think Bhagat Singh, he lost his life but still lives..

Well that was my only complaint about this movie but it did gave me those special moments. Moments like Aamir holding the baby while his mother changes his diapers in the bus, or moments like that Tiwari Sir lying down over his sheet while drawing. Heart warming.

And not to forget the sentimental moments when the parents of the Tulips Kids rushing toward their kids after their performance, or the documentary at the end of the movie while the credits role.

I would not like to repeat good things that are already said about the movie at lot of other places.. they stand true.

Thanks Aamir for a good film.. and sorry i watched the movie illegally on net.. because you didn't release it in Finland.

Umpiring Blunders, Aussie Integrity and Racism

I am not going to take any high moral ground and say we should continue playing the series despite the odds stacked up against us. Sometimes its good to snap.

First and foremost there is no doubt if umpires wouldn't have played their part this game belonged to India. Common look at the number of decisions..
Pointing out at 17 went out to score 51 (He talked about integrity right?)
Symonds stood his ground at 30 and went on to score 168
Symonds again not out when stumped. The umpires simply refused to refer stumping to third umpire.
Hussey was out on i think somewhere in 20s and went out to score 145.
Dravid was haded a shocker (I though cats not monkey has 9 lives)
Pointing and Clark duo cheated and got Ganguli out. And the umpire believed them.

And yes please remember the Melbourn test also. That test was not clean of Aussie misdeeds and umpiring errors too.

Common guys how many more could we have endured and still won. Shame on Aussies.. if anything racist that can alleged on them is that they are a race of cheaters. I mean look at their grandfathers who came and for what they came. So blood still runs true. and then they talk about integrity.

Racism: Do you know why Symonds is monkey.. because of his antics.. Not because for what he is but because of what he does. He wears a monkey makeup and then people get the obvious message. Common in India we call ourselves monkeys when somebody does that. We didn't knew he had a west-indian father till the papers published it. I really thought he was an aboriginal before.

And now the guys who took Africans as slaves just couple of centuries before are calling us racist. Its their collective guilt that now they want to view everyone who says anything to anyone from African decent a racist.

Indians might be many different bad things, but never racist. We might be castist, we might have burned women for dowry, we might have gone through series of inter religious strife but a differentiation of people on their color was not what we do. we have a monkey god. Most of our gods are depicted black in color and then they accuse us racist. We brand people on their behavior and not on what they are. Like yes branding Aussies as cheats seams justified with what they have done on television for us. (Though this genralization might be wrong but atleast it applies to a team 11 for sure). And i am proud to say Symonds is a monkey and please brand me a racist of you like.

What should be India teams respond now:
Abondon a tour: Why not, you can play 11 against 13. Aussies are playing 3 innings to indians 1 and a half. But this would be too sharp an action i guess.
Bring back the current team and send an under 19 team instead for the rest of the tour. Aussies don't deserve the respect of playing our guys.
Or play the searies but oust the unmpires. We should never play with the Bucknor umpiring. He seems to have something wrong against the avians and particularly Indians i guess.

Common its anyway difficult to beat Australian cricket team and you give us this handicap. Give us a fair chance.